My biggest fear is death. Quite rational. I have the smaller, rational fears. And then I have my ”other” fears. My ”other” fears aren’t quite as rational.
A smaller, more rational fear, is my arachnophobia. Don’t get me wrong, they can be quite beautiful, but I panic when I see one. Meaning if I see those things crawling or even think about them I start imagining them crawling all over my face. As a result of this I start smacking myself in the face in order to kill the things that don’t exist (because my brain thought it would be fun to scare me and disgust me simultaneously) and I get a super duper red face afterwards. If I’m asked what happened I will make up some half-assed lie and say I smacked my face when I walked into a door… I mean that would totally be like me, I walk into things and fall over other things the entire time! I’m not clumsy, I have a severe balance problem.
The reason I wrote ”*spoilers*” in the title is because I watched The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and am therefore going to talk about it. Excellent movie, but one of the worst things I had to experience was the crippling anxiety of seeing spiders. Huge fricking spiders that just crawled everywhere! And they freaked the crap outta me so much, that I hid my face in my jacket, shut my eyes tightly, put my fingers in my ears and pretended to be British Parliament going ”blaha blaha blaha” loudly. Ok, no, I’m exaggerating for effect. I did close my eyes and whimper though. When the crippling sensation that tore at my heart finally went away, it was the dragon.
Now, I usually like dragons. In fact I have loved stories about dragons since I was small. So much that I wanted to have one as a pet. Now that may seem strange, but at least I wasn’t like an old friend from school, who (when she was little) thought that when you hit puberty (or just the exact age of 14) you sprout a tail. Because that’s totally insane, unlike my ideas. My ideas had a smidgen of sanity in them. Aaand getting sidetracked… anyways, so yes, I liked and still like dragons, but seeing the teeth and the scales and the voice and the eyes somehow gave me even worse anxiety. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in that theatre, slowly suffocating on my anxiety. It’s a terrible feeling that. I think what really did it was seeing the teeth. Ever since I saw teeth on animals I’ve been afraid of them. In my mind, having teeth = biting. And biting = power. Simple logic.
So what I have learned is that I’m never watching another movie in 3D again (did I forget to mention that? I probably forgot… oops) and that if there are creepy crawlies in them or dragons or anything else that has more than 2 legs in it I am NOT watching it! Because these levels of anxiety are not normal, they shouldn’t exist. And the worst part is that I can’t understand these feelings, they aren’t logical at all. Or maybe they are and I just haven’t figured out the logic behind it yet. Like using 2+2=5 instead of 2+2=4… or something. Unsure, I must check.
As to my ”other” fears… They are so completely random that I don’t understand how my emotions didn’t kick themselves. Like when I was 7-8 and starting 4th grade and my teacher had warned us that we wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom whenever we wanted, which to me translated into us never being able to go to the bathroom, even if we really had to. I remember I cried the night before school started for 4 hours straight with my sister comforting me, who probably was very confused and didn’t understand how I thought. It’s not like I could explain it to her either, I don’t understand how I think! But I could express fragments of the fear and crying worked. Great. Thanks emotions! *mumbles disapprovingly*
I have to watch a nice movie now, like ”Tangled”. Lots of bright colours and singing and dancing. It’s the frequency of the songs, some frequencies give me an initial jolt of pure joy and my body reacts to that and makes me want to dance and smile, but I can’t listen to it too many times or I start becoming depressed. Meh…
I was going to say something interesting, but then I remembered that I don’t have anything interesting to say, nor have I done anything remotely interesting lately. I am just gonna lie in bed and feel the life drain out of me. Or I might dance on rainbows and pour glitter around me, pretending I can dance ballet, wearing a tutu, an oversized jumper, a leather flying hat thingie with goggles and sneakers. I think I’ll go with choice number 2.
Good night people! Live the unicorn dream!