Haven’t been here in a while. I adore procrastination. I was born with it, it’s qualities run through my veins. I cannot change my DNA.
Christmas: running here and there
New Year: running here and there
work: running here and there
home: falling over everything in my way/ falling asleep everywhere/ hating people
That about sums up the entire time I’ve been away.
Have you ever experienced these little beings known as ”children”? I’m not sure I’ve written it correctly. And I’m not sure I know how to pronounce it, but see, my nephew (not sure how to pronounce it but I go with chicho, for some reason it seems fitting: other names include monkey, critter and bug) who seems to adore seeing me in pain. No matter what he does, he loves hitting me. Let me give an example of what I mean:
I was napping peacefully, enjoying having eaten when suddenly i felt a smack to my eye. I open my eyes and suddenly *whack*, my eye greets his foot. Apparantly someone had the bright idea to say ”wake auntie up” and not realize that to a 2 year old it translates to ”beat the shit out of the person that I pointed too”.
I got up and yelled at nothing in particular (I’ve read about Montessori, never blame your kids just be firm when you say no and distract them) and the little bugger! Out of all the things he can and chooses to do, he giggles. And not just any giggle, but the kind of giggle that makes your heart go all mushy and makes you melt on the floor. He’s evil that way.
So times goes by, I still get beaten up by a 2 year old (I feel such shame) until the day they are leaving. I feel sadness stab at my cold heart (I won’t see them for a while and it was cold outside so my internal organs froze) and just as they were getting in the car to go to the airport the little critter decides it’s funny to see his aunt in a puddle of emotions and tears. He runs up to me and hugs me. It must have looked incredibly funny because he reaches a little ways above my knee. My sister (his mother) let’s out this ”aww” sound and I look at her confused. This does not compute, he loves to see me in pain, not in a pool of emotions that I understand logically but can’t really place. And then they left.
You can still find me crying to this day when I remember that moment, but it took me about 3 hours to calm down from whatever feeling my body decided to go through only my brain doesn’t understand what is happening. Why are my eyes leaking so profusely? Why does my nose feel like it’s never gonna stop running. Urgh…
Other than that I have had lots of time to yell and scream and kick and breathe and become depressed and not be able to sleep. So here I am once again, like usual, and I cannot sleep. Urgh seriously, this is such a pain. I haven’t seen my doctors in about 2 months, I believe they are angry at me which just makes it even less likely to see them at all. I hate when people are angry at me. My eyes do the whole leaky thing and I’m just generally confused.
Other than that I am gonna start working again (yay!) and I am going to try not to burn myself out. Me = workaholic (at times…when I really wanna…when something is going well… when something is fun… when I laugh a lot… when the people around me make me laugh…something)
have a good day/night/evening/morning/midnight/noon/rainbow/time and I will see you soon
p.s. I am a procrastinator by nature, I recommend this if you are one too: