Do Volume Trophies Exist?

It’s a fair question in my opinion. I was thinking I should give a huge trophy to my neighbours, a big trophy with a volume button set on ”max”. The fact that I should congratulate them on managing to rupture my eardrums is something new. Maybe if I put fake blood by my ears and act a little dizzy they will get the hint.

See I believe that walls were created for several reasons. One to keep us inside and warm and safe from the outside world. Another to reduce noise from the outside world in order for one to concentrate on ones own noises. Like watching the tv, or sitting in silence and eventually whimpering so you know that you exist in the room. The walls where I live with boyfriend are pretty solid, hardly anything is heard in or out. We’ve tested this theory several times by playing very loud music and then a) shutting the door to see if we can hear anything outside and b) asking the neighbours is they can hear anything. In case of a) we didn’t hear anything and b) our neighbours, in worst case answered  that sometimes you could hear something faintly, but you really had to strain your ears.

So when you have such thick walls, you’re thinking that nothing can be heard through, right? It’s kind of expected. I’m wrong.

I was sitting watching a tv show on a fairly high volume in order to concentrate properly on what was being said, when I heard someone yelling. Imagine hearing yelling through thick wall, that’s pretty bad. You start assuming the worst. And while we’re on the subject of whole blocking out loud noises, please explain what volume setting my neighbours have as their default voice?

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard it. The first time I thought someone was being beat for information in the kitchen tied to a chair. I was prepared to go all Charlie’s Angels on their ass. I had the cops dialled on my phone and was ready to call if any situation should arise so they could hear the background yelling and then trace the phonecall. The other thing I had done was send texts to some friends with a warning of, ”If I don’t send another message within the next 10 minutes saying everything is fine, call the cops, something has gone wrong.” Better safe than sorry right? I walked up to the apartment door and knocked.

The shouting continued, but I heard footsteps coming closer. My whole body and mind prepared for any situation having to do with calling the cops or fighting. No flight response in my body. I heard the familiar click of the lock on the door as it was opened.

Oh and by the way, what is up with people opening the door to the smallest crack to look outside were they obviously won’t see anything because they will be looking to one side? It makes you more suspicious.

That’s what the neighbour did. When he saw it was me he opened the door and smiled and asked me if everything was ok. That’s when I saw the phone in his hand. And heard the person he was having a conversation with. Yelling just as loudly. The flight response kicked in.

I mumbled,  ”sorry, thought you were beating someone in the kitchen for information, but it was just you talking on the phone”, then smiled sheepishly as he chuckled and I ran away to hide under the covers…

This may of course just be me, I hope your neighbours don’t cause this much of a fuss. I still thinking of getting them a trophy.



My biggest fear is death. Quite rational. I have the smaller, rational fears. And then I have my ”other” fears. My ”other” fears aren’t quite as rational.

A smaller, more rational fear, is my arachnophobia. Don’t get me wrong, they can be quite beautiful, but I panic when I see one. Meaning if I see those things crawling or even think about them I start imagining them crawling all over my face. As a result of this I start smacking myself in the face in order to kill the things that don’t exist (because my brain thought it would be fun to scare me and disgust me simultaneously) and I get a super duper red face afterwards. If I’m asked what happened I will make up some half-assed lie and say I smacked my face when I walked into a door… I mean that would totally be like me, I walk into things and fall over other things the entire time! I’m not clumsy, I have a severe balance problem.

The reason I wrote ”*spoilers*” in the title is because I watched The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and am therefore going to talk about it. Excellent movie, but one of the worst things I had to experience was the crippling anxiety of seeing spiders. Huge fricking spiders that just crawled everywhere! And they freaked the crap outta me so much, that I hid my face in my jacket, shut my eyes tightly, put my fingers in my ears and pretended to be British Parliament going ”blaha blaha blaha” loudly. Ok, no, I’m exaggerating for effect. I did close my eyes and whimper though. When the crippling sensation that tore at my heart finally went away, it was the dragon.

Now, I usually like dragons. In fact I have loved stories about dragons since I was small. So much that I wanted to have one as a pet. Now that may seem strange, but at least I wasn’t like an old friend from school, who (when she was little) thought that when you hit puberty (or just the exact age of 14) you sprout a tail. Because that’s totally insane, unlike my ideas. My ideas had a smidgen of sanity in them. Aaand getting sidetracked… anyways, so yes, I liked and still like dragons, but seeing the teeth and the scales and the voice and the eyes somehow gave me even worse anxiety. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in that theatre, slowly suffocating on my anxiety. It’s a terrible feeling that. I think what really did it was seeing the teeth. Ever since I saw teeth on animals I’ve been afraid of them. In my mind, having teeth = biting. And biting = power. Simple logic.

So what I have learned is that I’m never watching another movie in 3D again (did I forget to mention that? I probably forgot… oops) and that if there are creepy crawlies in them or dragons or anything else that has more than 2 legs in it I am NOT watching it! Because these levels of anxiety are not normal, they shouldn’t exist. And the worst part is that I can’t understand these feelings, they aren’t logical at all. Or maybe they are and I just haven’t figured out the logic behind it yet. Like using 2+2=5 instead of 2+2=4… or something. Unsure, I must check.

As to my ”other” fears… They are so completely random that I don’t understand how my emotions didn’t kick themselves. Like when I was 7-8 and starting 4th grade and my teacher had warned us that we wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom whenever we wanted, which to me translated into us never being able to go to the bathroom, even if we really had to. I remember I cried the night before school started for 4 hours straight with my sister comforting me, who probably was very confused and didn’t understand how I thought. It’s not like I could explain it to her either, I don’t understand how I think! But I could express fragments of the fear and crying worked. Great. Thanks emotions! *mumbles disapprovingly*

I have to watch a nice movie now, like ”Tangled”. Lots of bright colours and singing and dancing. It’s the frequency of the songs, some frequencies give me an initial jolt of pure joy and my body reacts to that and makes me want to dance and smile, but I can’t listen to it too many times or I start becoming depressed. Meh…

I was going to say something interesting, but then I remembered that I don’t have anything interesting to say, nor have I done anything remotely interesting lately. I am just gonna lie in bed and feel the life drain out of me. Or I might dance on rainbows and pour glitter around me, pretending I can dance ballet, wearing a tutu, an oversized jumper, a leather flying hat thingie with goggles and sneakers. I think I’ll go with choice number 2.

Good night people! Live the unicorn dream!

Been a While

Haven’t been here in a while. I adore procrastination. I was born with it, it’s qualities run through my veins. I cannot change my DNA.


Christmas: running here and there

New Year: running here and there

work: running here and there

home: falling over everything in my way/ falling asleep everywhere/ hating people

That about sums up the entire time I’ve been away.

Have you ever experienced these little beings known as ”children”? I’m not sure I’ve written it correctly. And I’m not sure I know how to pronounce it, but see, my nephew (not sure how to pronounce it but I go with chicho, for some reason it seems fitting: other names include monkey, critter and bug) who seems to adore seeing me in pain. No matter what he does, he loves hitting me. Let me give an example of what I mean:

I was napping peacefully, enjoying having eaten when suddenly i felt a smack to my eye. I open my eyes and suddenly *whack*, my eye greets his foot. Apparantly someone had the bright idea to say ”wake auntie up” and not realize that to a 2 year old it translates to ”beat the shit out of the person that I pointed too”.

I got up and yelled at nothing in particular (I’ve read about Montessori, never blame your kids just be firm when you say no and distract them) and the little bugger! Out of all the things he can and chooses to do, he giggles. And not just any giggle, but the kind of giggle that makes your heart go all mushy and makes you melt on the floor. He’s evil that way.

So times goes by, I still get beaten up by a 2 year old (I feel such shame) until the day they are leaving. I feel sadness stab at my cold heart (I won’t see them for a while and it was cold outside so my internal organs froze) and just as they were getting in the car to go to the airport the little critter decides it’s funny to see his aunt in a puddle of emotions and tears. He runs up to me and hugs me. It must have looked incredibly funny because he reaches a little ways above my knee. My sister (his mother) let’s out this ”aww” sound and I look at her confused. This does not compute, he loves to see me in pain, not in a pool of emotions that I understand logically but can’t really place. And then they left.

You can still find me crying to this day when I remember that moment, but it took me about 3 hours to calm down from whatever feeling my body decided to go through only my brain doesn’t understand what is happening. Why are my eyes leaking so profusely? Why does my nose feel like it’s never gonna stop running. Urgh…

Other than that I have had lots of time to yell and scream and kick and breathe and become depressed and not be able to sleep. So here I am once again, like usual, and I cannot sleep. Urgh seriously, this is such a pain. I haven’t seen my doctors in about 2 months, I believe they are angry at me which just makes it even less likely to see them at all. I hate when people are angry at me. My eyes do the whole leaky thing and I’m just generally confused.

Other than that I am gonna start working again (yay!) and I am going to try not to burn myself out. Me = workaholic (at times…when I really wanna…when something is going well… when something is fun… when I laugh a lot… when the people around me make me laugh…something)

have a good day/night/evening/morning/midnight/noon/rainbow/time and I will see you soon


p.s. I am a procrastinator by nature, I recommend this if you are one too: