I am out of ideas. I am depleted after having written angrily. So I played Assassins Creed 2 for a while… I kept on dying so I gave up and went to fix my hair instead. It took ages, but at least I’m bored with the results. Unfortunately I couldn’t get my contacts to get into my eyes so now it looks like I’ve been bathing in an over chlorinated pool. Eyes are completely red.
Other than that, on Friday I was singing. They started the ceremony 10 minutes earlier, so our song was cut down, but that was OK since we managed to sing the entire song at the end. And some people seemed to like it. I don’t know, my emotions went from ”fine” to ”I hate you” to ”I hope you all die in a gas explosion” to ”fine” again… and that was just the first 5 minutes. But now I don’t want anyone to die in a gas explosion, and I don’t hate them. My brain just wants to threaten everyone that it sees through my eyes because it’s a form of entertainment… and because it was feeling betrayed.
It’s funny how the tiniest little action, or word can flip you upside down in my world. It doesn’t even depend on the day! Oh well, I suppose it will just have to be taken care of in some other manner.
For the first time since.. I don’t know how long, I feel level. Nothing is good, nothing is bad, everything is just… OK. Dull. Boring. I look outside my window, there’s light, there are people on the street. Boring.
Ambulances and police cars and fire trucks wail their sirens loudly for us to hear there is certain devastation going on somewhere. Someone is either dying, or in need of rescue, and it’s all… dull and boring.
I hate these kinds of days, they aren’t productive, they make me want to crawl under the bed with a blanket and stay there until my brain decides it’s a good idea to come out, although I know I shouldn’t. Not even that I shouldn’t, it’s that I can’t. Everyone around me is trying to make me do things, activate myself, be happy, smile, eat, dance, laugh, sing, run, watch movies, hang out, drink… there is so much going on in a blur and yet nothing excites me. I bet if I went bungee jumping I would still be bored. I hope this doesn’t last too long, I have shit to do.
Saturday was spent in bed, slowly realizing that my mood is going to the deepest pit of hell. Today we’re going to the movies, that’ll be kinda fun at least. Unless it’s boring. Then it’s gonna be boring. And I’ll be asked if I’m fine a million times and if I liked the movie. That’s fine. I’ll smile and say ”yeah”…. Or something. Who knows, I might become uplifted after watching it. I’m hoping almost desperately.
”A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, ”Hey buddy! Why the long face?” The horse doesn’t understand English so it shits on the floor and leaves.”
…nope. Nothing. Nada. Nichts. Nö. Nein.
That joke usually cheers me up. But not this time. Oh well. I’ll just go lick a frog or talk to a cricket or something and hope for better days.