Italy, Fabio, wood wasps, mosquitos and weddings

It’s late and as per usual I cannot sleep. What else would a girl do but blog about things that have happened?

Well, here is the latest update since my last post that happened ages ago because I procrastinated, then thought it was pointless, then thought it was worthless to update because nothing interesting happens in my life, and now I’m updating for unknown reasons. Long sentence there. I ran out of breath in my head too.

I have been travelling like a mad person. I went to Bulgaria for my sister’s bachelorette party and oodles of fun. She had no idea where we were headed even though it was made quite apparent a few times, but my sister is known as ”space cadett” so she zones out into her own world and forgets that there are other people trying to reach out to her. You have to call her name repeatedly (and sometimes yell) to get her attention, then she laughs and says ”Oh I’m such a space cadett.” Yes, yes you are sis, but I love you none the less.

Then we went to Italy for said space cadett’s wedding. It was sunny and kinda warm, although considering it is Italy I thought it would be warmer, but turns out, nope. The place was beautiful, the people absolutely wonderful, the driving absolutely bizarre and the food was spectacular.

And then we have the bugs. Seriously, you walk outside for a few minutes every day and you will see lots of bugs. But the best part is, you will never see the same species of bug. And if you do, they are either dead or dying or stuck to the wall or flying straight for you in attempt to recreate kamikaze pilots.

Just like the Italians, the bugs are very friendly. They always try to introduce themselves but their ways may be seen as slightly imposing to most people. The most notable examples were the mosquitos and the wood wasps.

Now the mosquitos were very kind but quite loud, buzzing by your ears in order to introduce themselves, but this mostly happened at night and got quite disturbing because someone who is introducing themself to you while you are trying to sleep and whispering their name in your ear is creepy. Or well, creepy to me at least, what do I know? Some of you might introduce yourselves that way to others.

The woods wasps are more direct, as boyfriend experienced. Now it may have been the case that the wood wasp was slightly drunk, but his introduction was incredibly direct and straight to his neck. Because it may have been trying to whisper his name in his ear, but missed entirely and went for his neck instead. I got the second greeting, a bashing of the head against my palm, and then the wood wasp took a hard landing against the table. Or well it attempted to fly and then landed on the table. I did not bash it on the table.

Sadly none of us got the name of the wasp over the amount of screaming we made, which may be the reason the little fellow decided we where way too loud and flew away and decided to climb up the wall like spider man. Or well in his case it would be spider wasp. Or climbing wasp. Wall wasp. Screw it, wasp-that-climbs.walls.

Hmmm… if I had to name him I think it would be Marvin. Oh wait, hang on this is an Italian wasp we’re talking about, better guess his name was Fabio. Or perhaps it was a lady wood wasp? A waspina? Maybe her name was Fabiotinna? Hmmm…

The wedding was nice, the priest was good, the singing I had to do was awful but I have been assured that I am forgiven by my new family as they wept openly in front of me. I’m not sure that is forgiveness or not, I think they may just be very disappointed instead but are to shy to admit I sing like haggis. If haggis could sing that is. Lots and lots of food and wine and children running about and people falling over and dancing and falling over while dancing and being very hung over the next day.

And now I am back in Sweden to cause disappointment and discord for all the people that surround me. I have started casting the sims 4 with kaktus and we are having an awesome time creating the strangest families and neighbourhoods in all of simland. (Is it called simland? I have no idea, kaktus knows more about the sims than me, that’s why we’re casting the sims in the first place.)

Well, I think an update was long over due, I have to go pretend that I can have a normal sleep cycle like most humans, but I think I may end up sitting upside down on the couch, thinking of books that I should read and all other responsibilities that I haven’t taken and feel absolutely crap about not doing. Not that I’m gonna do them now it’s too late, but I can feel bad and pretend that my shame compass is still in tact.

Good night my lovely unicorns, and as said at the end of the cast, ”eat a snail!”. (Although I’m not sure I would be capable of doing that, snails are lovely but I don’t think they are meant to be eaten. No offence to anyone from France. Or people who think eating snails is nice.) Night!

Do Volume Trophies Exist?

It’s a fair question in my opinion. I was thinking I should give a huge trophy to my neighbours, a big trophy with a volume button set on ”max”. The fact that I should congratulate them on managing to rupture my eardrums is something new. Maybe if I put fake blood by my ears and act a little dizzy they will get the hint.

See I believe that walls were created for several reasons. One to keep us inside and warm and safe from the outside world. Another to reduce noise from the outside world in order for one to concentrate on ones own noises. Like watching the tv, or sitting in silence and eventually whimpering so you know that you exist in the room. The walls where I live with boyfriend are pretty solid, hardly anything is heard in or out. We’ve tested this theory several times by playing very loud music and then a) shutting the door to see if we can hear anything outside and b) asking the neighbours is they can hear anything. In case of a) we didn’t hear anything and b) our neighbours, in worst case answered  that sometimes you could hear something faintly, but you really had to strain your ears.

So when you have such thick walls, you’re thinking that nothing can be heard through, right? It’s kind of expected. I’m wrong.

I was sitting watching a tv show on a fairly high volume in order to concentrate properly on what was being said, when I heard someone yelling. Imagine hearing yelling through thick wall, that’s pretty bad. You start assuming the worst. And while we’re on the subject of whole blocking out loud noises, please explain what volume setting my neighbours have as their default voice?

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard it. The first time I thought someone was being beat for information in the kitchen tied to a chair. I was prepared to go all Charlie’s Angels on their ass. I had the cops dialled on my phone and was ready to call if any situation should arise so they could hear the background yelling and then trace the phonecall. The other thing I had done was send texts to some friends with a warning of, ”If I don’t send another message within the next 10 minutes saying everything is fine, call the cops, something has gone wrong.” Better safe than sorry right? I walked up to the apartment door and knocked.

The shouting continued, but I heard footsteps coming closer. My whole body and mind prepared for any situation having to do with calling the cops or fighting. No flight response in my body. I heard the familiar click of the lock on the door as it was opened.

Oh and by the way, what is up with people opening the door to the smallest crack to look outside were they obviously won’t see anything because they will be looking to one side? It makes you more suspicious.

That’s what the neighbour did. When he saw it was me he opened the door and smiled and asked me if everything was ok. That’s when I saw the phone in his hand. And heard the person he was having a conversation with. Yelling just as loudly. The flight response kicked in.

I mumbled,  ”sorry, thought you were beating someone in the kitchen for information, but it was just you talking on the phone”, then smiled sheepishly as he chuckled and I ran away to hide under the covers…

This may of course just be me, I hope your neighbours don’t cause this much of a fuss. I still thinking of getting them a trophy.

THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE! *spoilers*

My biggest fear is death. Quite rational. I have the smaller, rational fears. And then I have my ”other” fears. My ”other” fears aren’t quite as rational.

A smaller, more rational fear, is my arachnophobia. Don’t get me wrong, they can be quite beautiful, but I panic when I see one. Meaning if I see those things crawling or even think about them I start imagining them crawling all over my face. As a result of this I start smacking myself in the face in order to kill the things that don’t exist (because my brain thought it would be fun to scare me and disgust me simultaneously) and I get a super duper red face afterwards. If I’m asked what happened I will make up some half-assed lie and say I smacked my face when I walked into a door… I mean that would totally be like me, I walk into things and fall over other things the entire time! I’m not clumsy, I have a severe balance problem.

The reason I wrote ”*spoilers*” in the title is because I watched The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and am therefore going to talk about it. Excellent movie, but one of the worst things I had to experience was the crippling anxiety of seeing spiders. Huge fricking spiders that just crawled everywhere! And they freaked the crap outta me so much, that I hid my face in my jacket, shut my eyes tightly, put my fingers in my ears and pretended to be British Parliament going ”blaha blaha blaha” loudly. Ok, no, I’m exaggerating for effect. I did close my eyes and whimper though. When the crippling sensation that tore at my heart finally went away, it was the dragon.

Now, I usually like dragons. In fact I have loved stories about dragons since I was small. So much that I wanted to have one as a pet. Now that may seem strange, but at least I wasn’t like an old friend from school, who (when she was little) thought that when you hit puberty (or just the exact age of 14) you sprout a tail. Because that’s totally insane, unlike my ideas. My ideas had a smidgen of sanity in them. Aaand getting sidetracked… anyways, so yes, I liked and still like dragons, but seeing the teeth and the scales and the voice and the eyes somehow gave me even worse anxiety. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in that theatre, slowly suffocating on my anxiety. It’s a terrible feeling that. I think what really did it was seeing the teeth. Ever since I saw teeth on animals I’ve been afraid of them. In my mind, having teeth = biting. And biting = power. Simple logic.

So what I have learned is that I’m never watching another movie in 3D again (did I forget to mention that? I probably forgot… oops) and that if there are creepy crawlies in them or dragons or anything else that has more than 2 legs in it I am NOT watching it! Because these levels of anxiety are not normal, they shouldn’t exist. And the worst part is that I can’t understand these feelings, they aren’t logical at all. Or maybe they are and I just haven’t figured out the logic behind it yet. Like using 2+2=5 instead of 2+2=4… or something. Unsure, I must check.

As to my ”other” fears… They are so completely random that I don’t understand how my emotions didn’t kick themselves. Like when I was 7-8 and starting 4th grade and my teacher had warned us that we wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom whenever we wanted, which to me translated into us never being able to go to the bathroom, even if we really had to. I remember I cried the night before school started for 4 hours straight with my sister comforting me, who probably was very confused and didn’t understand how I thought. It’s not like I could explain it to her either, I don’t understand how I think! But I could express fragments of the fear and crying worked. Great. Thanks emotions! *mumbles disapprovingly*

I have to watch a nice movie now, like ”Tangled”. Lots of bright colours and singing and dancing. It’s the frequency of the songs, some frequencies give me an initial jolt of pure joy and my body reacts to that and makes me want to dance and smile, but I can’t listen to it too many times or I start becoming depressed. Meh…

I was going to say something interesting, but then I remembered that I don’t have anything interesting to say, nor have I done anything remotely interesting lately. I am just gonna lie in bed and feel the life drain out of me. Or I might dance on rainbows and pour glitter around me, pretending I can dance ballet, wearing a tutu, an oversized jumper, a leather flying hat thingie with goggles and sneakers. I think I’ll go with choice number 2.

Good night people! Live the unicorn dream!

Been a While

Haven’t been here in a while. I adore procrastination. I was born with it, it’s qualities run through my veins. I cannot change my DNA.

Update:

Christmas: running here and there

New Year: running here and there

work: running here and there

home: falling over everything in my way/ falling asleep everywhere/ hating people

That about sums up the entire time I’ve been away.

Have you ever experienced these little beings known as ”children”? I’m not sure I’ve written it correctly. And I’m not sure I know how to pronounce it, but see, my nephew (not sure how to pronounce it but I go with chicho, for some reason it seems fitting: other names include monkey, critter and bug) who seems to adore seeing me in pain. No matter what he does, he loves hitting me. Let me give an example of what I mean:

I was napping peacefully, enjoying having eaten when suddenly i felt a smack to my eye. I open my eyes and suddenly *whack*, my eye greets his foot. Apparantly someone had the bright idea to say ”wake auntie up” and not realize that to a 2 year old it translates to ”beat the shit out of the person that I pointed too”.

I got up and yelled at nothing in particular (I’ve read about Montessori, never blame your kids just be firm when you say no and distract them) and the little bugger! Out of all the things he can and chooses to do, he giggles. And not just any giggle, but the kind of giggle that makes your heart go all mushy and makes you melt on the floor. He’s evil that way.

So times goes by, I still get beaten up by a 2 year old (I feel such shame) until the day they are leaving. I feel sadness stab at my cold heart (I won’t see them for a while and it was cold outside so my internal organs froze) and just as they were getting in the car to go to the airport the little critter decides it’s funny to see his aunt in a puddle of emotions and tears. He runs up to me and hugs me. It must have looked incredibly funny because he reaches a little ways above my knee. My sister (his mother) let’s out this ”aww” sound and I look at her confused. This does not compute, he loves to see me in pain, not in a pool of emotions that I understand logically but can’t really place. And then they left.

You can still find me crying to this day when I remember that moment, but it took me about 3 hours to calm down from whatever feeling my body decided to go through only my brain doesn’t understand what is happening. Why are my eyes leaking so profusely? Why does my nose feel like it’s never gonna stop running. Urgh…

Other than that I have had lots of time to yell and scream and kick and breathe and become depressed and not be able to sleep. So here I am once again, like usual, and I cannot sleep. Urgh seriously, this is such a pain. I haven’t seen my doctors in about 2 months, I believe they are angry at me which just makes it even less likely to see them at all. I hate when people are angry at me. My eyes do the whole leaky thing and I’m just generally confused.

Other than that I am gonna start working again (yay!) and I am going to try not to burn myself out. Me = workaholic (at times…when I really wanna…when something is going well… when something is fun… when I laugh a lot… when the people around me make me laugh…something)

have a good day/night/evening/morning/midnight/noon/rainbow/time and I will see you soon

xx

p.s. I am a procrastinator by nature, I recommend this if you are one too:

http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

What a Nightmare…

I haven’t slept well for 2 weeks. Neither have a lot of other people. And things just haven’t been working out at all! Communicating with other people has just been non functional, misunderstandings have happened at every turn and anger has shown it’s ugly face in the people I love the most (and some people I hate, but they always have ugly faces so I see no difference there), turning them into the worst versions of themselves (again, unless I hate them. Then they are already the worst part of themselves to me).

I am certainly not an exception.

So how come all of this seems to have shown up now? Did someone say (imagine a posh British accent if you will):

”Well the world seems to be having a wonderfully splendid time with all sorts of different people getting along. I know! Let’s FUCK SHIT UP!”

Or, quite possibly:

”The balance is fine right now. Let’s see what happens when it’s not!”

(Now stop imagining that posh British accent, unless you have a posh British accent, then keep on going.)

It’s like waking up in the morning and finding out that the floor is suddenly the ceiling and you notice that something is off and that it most definitely should be that way, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is. What is being balanced out and why does it take so long for it to balance out? I am sure certain situations will not get better, and they are pretty bad at the moment. Does that mean that there is balance and it’s supposed to be as bad as it is, or does it mean that the balance in certain places aren’t that good and therefore the entire world must be punished?

And then yesterday I heard a theory.

Now usually theories are OK, because if you don’t like them, just make fun of them and ignore them even though sometimes a small voice at the back of you head may be hoping or even dreading that part of it may be true. But the cause to all the balance and misunderstanding and just general unkindness was:

Electromagnetic Storms.

According to an e-mail that a friend of mine got, these storms have been affecting the entire world, and succeeding in pestering the population by giving them headaches, migraines and the power of taking offence (more than is necessary). After a long discussion I had it explained to me that the storms where on a scale of 6, but that doesn’t tell me much, since I don’t know the entire scale. If it’s 6/10, sure pretty bad. 6/6 is even worse. But 6/100 probably isn’t so bad (but also gives me dread that if it ever reached those numbers the last part of the bible wasn’t just some man’s hallucinations and we’d all be fucked).

Oh and if you took offence to the mention that the last part of the Bible were hallucinations, it says so in my bible, I have talked to several other people in the profession of priesthood that have all confirmed it to me. Yes, the guy was totally seeing things. And not in the profetic way (shhh.. I’m imagining it all in my head and it’s really fucking scary, that’s why I’m denying it), but in the kind of ”I-saw-the-statue-dancing-the-rumba-because-I-have-a-fever” kind of way. (If you haven’t experienced these type of hallucinations you should be proud, they can quite unpleasant. I kept on seeing a cat at the foot of my bed, then a witch leaning over my bed (that still gives me the creeps when I think about it) and a samurai for some absurd reason.)

Anyhow. It wasn’t really an answer. And that’s when I understood it. I suddenly became enlightened. It was something to blame shit on, because we (most humans that is) need something to blame shit on.I know I have to everything blame it on something, otherwise I just feel terrible about myself as a human being.

Sick? Answer: Because I had an open jacket and it was very windy, therefore a process later, you are sick.

Can’t sleep? Answer: Because you haven’t been going to bed at the right times and now your internal clock is all wonky.

Depressed? Answer: a) The chemicals in your brain aren’t working correctly. b) Something really shitty has happened in your life and therefore you feel like shit.

But how come we need to blame it on something to make ourselves feel better, when really we can say, ”Well, at the moment I feel like shit. That’s OK, I will let it pass a few days until I feel better.”

…unless of course it doesn’t and then you should seek professional help.

And still I am up, writing this after not having slept much at all and trying to stay awake in order to fix the internal clock. I have a slight feeling that this is going to take time.

But if it’s any consolation, they have mentioned that the electrical storms should be over soon, meaning that everything should return to normal. Or at least as normal as it was before, unless one country has bombed another country. Then we are all fucked.

Hello

Well hi!

I am back, I realize I have been away for a while but I have been away and haven’t had anything really interesting to write about. Until today.

Or I have forgotten all the interesting things because I have had other things to think about and therefore excuse myself by saying that nothing interesting has happened.

I went to the doctors last week on Wednesday since it felt like my skull was going to kill me. So once I finally got to see the doctor, she did a few checks in my ears, up my nose (scary) and my throat. I didn’t have anything. Then she touched behind my ear and I almost screamed.

And then she told me there was nothing I could do and that I should just wait for the pain to go over. That was it. I went home and now it’s better, so I went to training. and that’s it. That is how my entire week has been.

In other news, I have found a book called ”The Highly Sensitive Person”, it gives me a completely different outlook on life. That some people are born with this sensitiveness that otherwise has to be covered up because other people get annoyed by it. Or well, they don’t HAVE to, but since it’s seen as a negative thing to be sensitive in society, covering up who you are is something that seems important.

And that led to another thought. When someone tells you to ”be yourself” what exactly do they mean? I mean think about it, what if ”being yourself” is really means let the psychopath in you out. How much are other people going to like you? Or what if ”being yourself” is someone that cries every 3 seconds. How much are they really gonna like that? I was told that I should be myself during the summer, and the bad thing was I WAS being myself. There is the problem, how can someone tell you to be yourself if you ARE being yourself? How do they know when you are being yourself or not?

On the other hand I do have a lot of thoughts going through my head that make perfect logical sense in my brain, but no one else seems to be able to follow. And when I try to explain it, the logic seeps out and makes even less sense to other people and  I start asking myself how I could even think in this way to begin with.

But ah, I suppose this is the way that things have always been and always will be. The creation of new ideas that make no sense and therefore have to be discarded or changed in order to adapt them to reality. Or something.

As you can see my thoughts have been running away with my fingers again and therefore may not make much sense, but it is always nice to just write, even if it won’t ever make any sense, it shows me my own character.

Ah, I’m going to watch an episode of ”Doctor Who” and sleep. I have a long day tomorrow and it certainly won’t help falling asleep at 5 like I usually do.

Sleep well, and if you can, listen to Hugh Laurie’s ”Unchain My Heart” from his new album ”Didn’t It Rain”, it’s the best song I’ve heard in a while. 🙂

…I suck at titles.

I must admit that I like seeing the creativity that other people have. Especially on Twitter and Instagram. On the 6th of June, a person on that I follow posted this:

”7am waking up in the morning gotta be fresh gonna throw myself down the stairs.”

As you may or may not know, the original lyrics are by Rebecca Black and her song ”Friday”, the nauseating song that makes my blood turn to acid and burn every organ on the way to the heart, in order to burn me again but not destroy the heart so I can feel the searing pain.

But for some reason when I saw this post I laughed for about 30 minutes straight, and I’m not kidding. Every person that I have shown this to has laughed a little bit, not finding it funny, while I am smashing my head on the table and breaking my nose in attempt to stop laughing.

I am still studying the psychological aspects behind this marvel (well, I will, once I have stopped laughing) but there must be something about the way I read things and see them in my head. An overimaginitive me sees a person putting on make up carefully and getting ready and looking pretty for a school day. Suddenly she sees stairs and goes ”Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” and throws herself down them and breaks her neck.

And for some reason this gets me every time, the extremely morbid picture my head comes up with that leaves me laughing for ages! … my humour is cruel and dry… and not very funny.

But I’m still laughing.

This cannot bode well.